7/21 QUICK H.I.T. ~ Jeremy Fischer

First, a warning: This is not your Momma's fantasy football column. If you're looking for more serious, stat-laden articles, allow me to recommend any of the other wonderful columns, including my own Help Wanted series (nothing like pimping myself!).

But if you're looking for a bit of a humorous diversion from the stat-heavy columns you see everywhere, then this is one for you.

As the name implies, I'll be offering up my humorous observations each week of the football season as it relates to the fantasy world. I will also include, from time-to-time, some informational nuggets. Yes, it will probably be unlike any article you've seen on F.F.T. or any other fantasy site, but that's the point. We like to shake things up. It's what keeps us an up-n-coming site in the industry.

Over the next couple of weeks, I'll be using this column to recap some of the more interesting offseason stories that have hit the wire. Then, when Training Camp begins, I'll focus more on interesting stories coming out of the various camps. And if we're all really lucky, we'll get some interesting stuff in camp that rival Kaz Matsui's anal fissure or Felix Pie's twisted testicle in Spring Training. Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Working at the Carwash Can Be Harmful To Your Health

Everything I've ever read, or seen, about Marvin Harrison has led me to believe that he's a soft-spoken, hard-working, get the job done type of guy. Now I know why. Apparently, Mr. Harrison lives by the motto: Walk softly, but carry a big ---GUN? That's right. On April 29, a man was shot at one of the carwashes that Harrison owns in Philly. I guess working at the carwash ain't as safe as it used to be in the 70's, when according to the song everybody wanted to work there because there was a lot dancing, and women in bathing suits. If I was a Colts player, I would just keep my distance from Marvin. You never know when he might bust a cap in yo ass.

Fantasy Take: It doesn't appear that Harrison is a serious suspect in the shooting, though casings from a gun that he owned were found at the crime scene. I'm more worried about his recovery from knee surgery, than I am about him ending up in the clink. Even if he's 100% come Week 1, he's still the number two receiver behind Reggie Wayne. I don't care what Mr. Commercial says.

Will He or Won't He?

He will! After playing the football version of the hokey pokey (you put your desire out/you put your desire in/you put your desire out/and you decide to play football all about), Brett Favre has decided that his retirement announcement was a bit hasty. Problem is that the Packers have moved on to Aaron Rogers (or A-Rog as I like to call him), and have said that they won't release Favre. So if he continues toward reinstatement, he'll have to be traded or be a $12 million clipboard holder. If you hurry now, you can pick up your Brett Favre clipboard holder at Target stores across the nation. But act now because supplies are limited!

Fantasy Take: I see Favre continuing toward reinstatement, thereby forcing the Packers hand. I don't see him being a backup. So there will be a trade in Favre's future. Right now, you have to take a wait-and-see attitude toward Favre's fantasy value. It will all depend on what team he lands with.

The White Lines Aren't Just For Playing In-Between

Carolina Panthers quarterback-turned-wide-receiver, Matt Jones, was arrested this past week after getting caught by Fayetteville, Arkansas, police doing coke in his car. Cops found about 6 grams of the "white stuff", along with a jar full of "ganja" residue. A drug cocktail, ladies and gentlemen! First you snort the blow; then you chase it with the bong hit. In the words of Rachel Ray, "Yum-O"! I'm going to take a wild guess, and say we now know why Coach Jack Del Rio became increasingly frustrated with Jones' "attitude and work ethic" last season. He was distracted by all the white lines on the field.

Fantasy Take: The Jaguars went out in the offseason and signed disgruntled (for a completely different reason) wide receiver, Jerry Porter. So it was going to be hard for Jones to crack the starting lineup in 2008 anyhow. Unfortunately for Jones, not only did he put the blow up his nose, he also snorted away his chance of playing for a team with a legitimate Super Bowl chance.

Wrap That Rascal. You Never Know When You'll Be Unemployed.

The Denver Broncos released running back Travis Henry, and then this past week it was reported that Henry failed a league drug test. He was having a little too much fun with the "happy weed". This can mean only one thing: There will be nine hungry mouths soon. Henry has nine kids with nine different women, in nine different states. Now baby daddy is unemployed. If he never makes another football squad again, at least he can get paid to give speeches to high school kids on the evils of unprotected sex, right? I mean, he's got the requisite amount of experience with that subject.

Fantasy Take: Take Mr. Promiscuity off every draft board you've got. Even if he gets picked up by another team, he's staring down the barrel of a one-year suspension for the positive drug test. He's "baked" (ha! Couldn't help it) for the 2008 season. Don't worry about the nine kids either. Henry's contract with the Broncos gave him $12 million dollars guaranteed. Unless there was a drug clause that requires him to forfeit that money for testing positive, he'll have plenty to continue to support the kiddies. That and the judge in his court case last year forced him to set up an escrow account to ensure that Henry makes his payments from now on.

Welcome to the Program, Mr. Jarrett

Carolina Panthers wide receiver, Dwayne Jarrett, was officially entered into the program this week. The NFL's substance abuse program, that is. Jarrett was arrested for driving while impaired (DWI), after cops caught him crossing the yellow line and running a red light in a suburban Charlotte neighborhood. This means that Jarrett will be required to enter the first step of the NFL's substance abuse rehab, which involves him being drug and alcohol tested far more frequently than other players. Jarrett will become far more familiar with the phrases, "Here's your cup" and "Hi, I'm Dwayne Jarrett and I'm an alcoholic", than he ever did the Panthers' playbook.

Fantasy Take: With the addition of Mushin Muhammed and D.J. Hackett in the offseason, coupled with this arrest, Jarrett only has value in dynasty leagues where his owners have dropped him. He still has great athletic gifts and untapped ability, but he'll ride the pine for all of 2008, barring an injury to Smith, Muhammed or Hackett. If he uses that time to learn the playbook and get his act together, he could be a tremendous sleeper in 2009 and beyond.